Brian Johnson Vs. Farmer Ted

Was I really this bored when working at Disney? Is this the life I want to go back to? While perusing some very old e-mails from 8 years ago, I found this now-classic essay which was prompted by a possible love connection from a co-worker. Her e-mail stated:

"Now, if you were able to engage in a debate about who would win in a fight between Anthony Michael Hall as Farmer Ted in Sixteen Candles or Anthony Michael Hall as Brian "the cheeks cannot hold the smoke" Johnson in The Breakfast Club, then I could probably give you a run for your money."

I left that job two weeks later so sadly there was no connection, yet this essay now lives on in the blogosphere. So Regina Moose, wherever you are, I thank you for the inspiration and for reminding me that 'funny' is still a powerful aphrodisiac.

Brian Johnson Vs. Farmer Ted

Brian Johnson would win because:

1) While Farmer Ted is far less introverted, Brian is the quiet, under the radar type. Brian has a lot of pent up rage and owns a firearm. Were he to lose control of reality, and he will because we all know marijuana is a gateway drug, he may become very violent. Ted is just out for a good time and clearly opposes drugs as proven by his vehement spitting after being given a birth control pill. Ted knows when to say "No."

2) Ted is the front-man of two lesser accepted individuals, Bryce and Cliff, which shows that Ted has leadership qualities but, as proven at a party when he knocked over a beer pyramid, will abandon his troops and assign blame to them to save his own ass ("Very nice...we're here five minutes...I'm at a loss...). Brian had the courage to admit to being friends with the kid who got his butt cheeks taped together and openly confessed that he was a member of the math and physics club, thus proving his bravery and dedication.

3) Brian has the know-how to get a fake I.D. to "vote." He comes off as very politically inclined, as evident when he gets nominated to write the essay on behalf of his delinquent peers. It was their Declaration of Independence and he was John Hancock. His hunger for power and control is revealed here. Also, by punching himself in the arm he comes off as a bit of a masochist.

4) Brian eats very nutritiously while Ted's diet consists of beer and pretzels so even though they may weigh the same (130 lbs.) Brian would probably have more muscle mass.

5) Brian has a more prominent title ("Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebie") while Ted's is less intimidating ("The Geek").

6) Ted's appetite for sex would be too distracting to him and thus ensuring his downfall while Brian, assumably gay, would have the self-control to hide his desires as he's done it all his life.

Retailing the Story

Wednesday will mark the end of my career in mobile phone sales. I have nothing lined up and only a vague idea of what area I'd like to move into. Definitely entertainment again, probably the studio route as that's where all my experience lies, but in what area? Consumer Products seemed to be the most fun from what I remember hearing, but it doesn't really interest me as much as Home Video would. I mean, come on, I'm not completely obsessed with Home Theatre, but when people see my living room their reaction is usually, "Oh My God!" Typically this is a reaction most would wish would happen in another type of room, (hint--it's named after something on which you sleep) yet I am more than complacent with it happening in my theatre. Also, people are much more likely to believe me when I say"100 inches diagonally" when referring to my equipment, er... projector.

Yet given my past history on where my dedication lies when at a job, I probably shouldn't rule out something in the Television arena. You see, about 3 years into my living in Los Angeles I had somewhat of a minor revelation, I guess you could file it under what Arsenio Hall used to call, "Things That Make You Go Hmmm..." (remember the song? C+C Music Factory, right? Wow did I just date myself...). Anyway, It occurred to me that while I was working in Television, my passion for films was flamed, yet when I worked in Theatrical Marketing (i.e., "movies") I become more than obsessed with Television. This has only increased over the past few years and is not healthy, something my conscious recognizes as a winless battle, especially when you have a friend named Kate who is a fierce enabler.

I guess this could be a "grass is always greener..." scenario, which is something I suffer from daily and usually not far behind is a rather large basket of melancholy. They're both terribly bad for you but always go hand in hand with me. It's like a double bacon cheeseburger with fries for the psyche. I wish I were clever enough to have come up with a salad metaphor to accompany the "green" motif, but who am I kidding.

So I have no real indication of what I'll be doing as of next week. Okay, I have some indication and it will involve cleaning, video games and lots of movies (are you all keeping with my mini reviews? I've been making format changes lately so take a peek if you haven't in a while). I will definitely go back and register for the temp agencies I used to belong to. If I could only remember what they were called. I can't believe that after 11 years I'm basically starting over again, however this time I have a lot of experience behind me, which I'm counting on, to help push me up that ladder much faster than it did over a decade ago. It's been nearly 4 years since I've left the entertainment industry and am now making my way back for another try or two, so I apologize in advance if I start to sound like I'm repeating myself or you feel like you've read my industry whining before in previous posts.

Truthfully, as scared as I am about starting over, I'm just so f*&king glad to be leaving retail. The last 7 months have been worse than any job I've had and I need to say that here so I can come back to this post anytime I feel my current job sucks and just take a breath. I vaguely remember how it used to upset me when a boss or executive would treat me unfairly, but that's just one person and not the whole damn world.

From what I've learned over the past 3 years, and especially the past 7 months since we went from a private company to a full retail store, I am now more certain than ever that there is a special place in hell for bitchy customers who have no reason to complain. Or worse, just too stupid to know their problem is their fault and not the person on the other side of the counter. I have a lot of anger towards these kinds of idiots and will always, always, say something to these jerks--regardless of age, gender or nationality. If I see someone getting bitched at for no good reason in any retail environment, I will walk up to that person and call them something I won't say in front of my mother. Kind of a retail crime-fighter, I guess. Standing up for the little guy.

I'm not saying retail employees, or any employee providing a public service for that matter, are the best, but I usually call them on it with a courteous disposition if they're not doing what they're getting paid to do. The trick is, if they're wearing a name-tag you should always refer to them by name and try to do it a few times. You've seen in the movies where kidnap victims try do this so it personalizes them to their captor, right? It works in nearly every other situation too. It also makes it easier to remember their name when reporting them to management who will usually try to make it up to the consumer.

It's up to you if you accept any perks/freebies management may offer. I usually don't because I feel a greater percentage of people who do complain do so to get free stuff and that is hardly ever my reason. However, don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. Especially if I can get a free piece of pie. I've done my fair share of being a server and although I'm very lenient in this area, I know when the job's unsatisfactory and below what that establishment's expectations are when it comes to guest satisfaction. Pie makes everything better.

I must point out that bartenders aren't granted as much leniency, especially here in L.A. where the blond pretty girl gets the drink before the fat guy. Bartenders learn quickly who the big tippers are and I'm not above paying extra to get my drink first. Blond Pretty Girl learns quickly and the Fat Guy suddenly becomes far more attractive to her than he was a few minutes ago. After all, it's nearly universally agreed that power is the greatest of all the aphrodisiacs, right?However, equally universally known, 'stupid' isn't attractive to anyone and once Fat Guy realizes this, he quickly moves back to his table of friends and has a good laugh at Stupid Blonde Pretty Girl's expense.

Personally, this scenario has never really happened to me. Were I to speak from experience, it would be something more like, "Fat Guy sees Pretty Girl making eye contact so he quickly disengages, guzzels the drink and hurries outside to smoke while remembering the intricate details of Blonde Pretty Girl's face (she's not 'Stupid' at this point because Fat Guy doesn't talk to her) so he can relay these details to all his buddies in the comic book chat room and decides he will refer to her only as "Buffy."

Sigh... Fat Guy watches too much TV.

Giving Notice

For those of you whom I haven't spoken to personally over the past week, this is just a short note to let you know that I have given notice at my current job and will go back to pursuing a career in the entertainment industry. I will be unemployed in 2 weeks and am very nervous/excited to go back to doing something I love (okay, at least have interest in...).

Time Off Vs. Vacation

It has been 3 years since I've had any real time off. Sure, there were a couple of sick days, maybe a 3-day weekend once in a while due to a holiday but those were very few and far between. After making the transition to the new location and putting in more hours than I want to admit (yet not as much as other's at their jobs recently, sorry Pat!) I managed to take the past 2 weeks off. Several people said to "get away and travel" or "get out of town for a while and see some new places." All good suggestions yet, as my time off was last-minute, getting any airfare at a reasonable rate would have been next to impossible and I had too much to do than wait for a possible stand-by seat.

So I've spent the past 2 weeks cleaning my house as if I were moving. I am not moving, contrary to what people are thinking, but I am cleaning and going through every belonging I own as if I were moving. I have come to the conclusion that I have too much stuff. Eight years worth of stuff has been sitting in my house just hiding and waiting for the day when I actually do move somewhere else and it would all spring forth waiting to be packed, lifted, moved, unpacked and stored away for use "some day." I have come to terms with my Pack Rat personality and have had a choke hold on it--Homer and Bart Simpson style.

Nobody on earth, well, nobody reading this blog, probably has credit card bills in their filing cabinet going back to 1995. I do. I would guess nobody has their "Welcome To (insert job here)" book from 10 years ago and which job they left 8 years ago. I do. Medical records, DMV papers, Tax info, Bank Statements... they all go back at least a decade. Things I have never, ever needed to refer to.

I also discovered pretty much every card, letter, note ever given/sent to me since I was about 13. Probably a great discovery were I to write a biography. Were I to discover the cure to cancer tomorrow, I will probably never write a biography. There is so much hate/anger/disappointment that it would probably translate very nicely to a "Welcome to the Sith" employment handbook:

Hi! Welcome to the Dark Side! Grr.... just kidding! We've been slaughtering civilizations for several millenia now. Job security is nothing you'll have to worry about. We don't offer any health insurance because, if you're here, you probably deserve whatever you get! But if you work hard and have no respect for any lifeforms whatsoever, you'll probably amass a great deal of wealth and won't need it, as long as we live under a Republic ruling and not an Imperialist one--nobody likes an Empire. Yikes! We do have an excellent dental program because nobody likes gross teeth, unless that's a look you're going for, which is fine (we're talking to you Darth Methmouth!). Also, nobody will volunteer for any sort of daycare program, so if you have kids, keep it to yourself. Please. If you have any questions please keep those to yourself as well or someone will probably kill you for talking without being spoken to. It's our number one reason for job, uh... termination. Well, that and being sliced and diced by Jedi Knights. Booooooo! Thanks for choosing the Sith!

Has my life been that bad? Of course not, but all I have since leaving college are failed jobs and relationships. Through all those I keep hoping that something positive lasting longer than a day will happen to me but it never does. I sense a pattern. Life was good, then "Mad About You" went off the air (bumper sticker rights pending). After that things get blurry. "Arrested Development" gave hope but was taken away, just like everything else. Half of the book would be tangents involving "Buffy" episodes. Not really biography material.

Anyway, back to the past two weeks and the literal and figurative sorting through my life. It will still take several more weeks, but the worst is behind me and I look forward to less clutter. An eventual new job will also help with the figurative clutter, something the booze seems to occasionally handle yet I haven't seemed to need since leaving work.

I wouldn't trade this time for much and I wouldn't categorize my recent activities as "vacation" things but the time off has proven to myself that I used to be the type of person who would look to the future, to the horizon and not have the constant urge to imagine what it would be like to choke someone to death with the waive of my hand.

Facebook and the WGA Strike

In my opinion, Facebook is the greatest waste of time since MySpace (which is soooo 2005, and don't get me started on Friendster). It's a way to reconnect with friends, play trivia and compare things like movie and music tastes. Mostly it's a way to use my college degree to kick ass at trivia. Mostly.

I usually find an excuse to log in while at work and depending on how busy I am, I can usually dedicate a song to someone, offer my "Heroes" ability to anyone in need or press forward on the Oregon Trail. Yes, *that* Oregon Trail. A game I first encountered in 8th grade as a reward in computer class for finishing an assignment early. I plan on becoming very good at this game.

Why then, do I feel so guilty about spending my time with something that offers so little, really, in regards to anything resembling a forward progress or improvement on my life? Like most aspects of said life at the moment—I just don't know. Why does watching 3 hours of SpongeBob SquarePants on a Saturday afternoon appeal to me so much?

Maybe the WGA strike had a bigger effect on me than I thought it would. Most of my favorite shows won't return until fall and the few that are returning will only have a handful of episodes to finish and air before summer starts. I thought I could survive on Oscar screeners and Netflixed "ST: Deep Space Nine."

I can't.

It occurred to me one recent Saturday afternoon after an aforementioned SpongeBob marathon (of which I was totally absorbed--get it?) that I am a television addict. (Dammit) It doesn't matter what I watch, as long as I'm watching. The television had been on Nickelodeon for nearly 4 hours and not only had the channel not been changed but I was completely engrossed in a new show and I now have to add iCarly to my list of weekly shows to record. (Dammit, Dammit!) I'm sure there is a test somewhere which, after admitting my now weekly Saturday afternoon ritual, would calculate some behavior disorder and require me to register as some sort of 'offender' or at the very least put me on some list somewhere. (Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!)

I've structured my social life around how many hours of shows I have recorded and how much "free" time I have to watch them. I will, about 50% of the time, abandon any offers of going for dinner or to the bar if I have more than 5 hours of new programming to watch before it all starts over the following week. Granted, several of my favorite shows are no longer on and the number of new shows I'm willing to commit to is at it's lowest since college when, egotistically, I was too engrossed in being a cinema elitist to be bothered with television. Except, of course, for NBC's golden era of "must see TV" which included "Mad About You", "Seinfeld," and "Friends."

I've always excused my excessive television viewing habits as education for someday working in entertainment. Yet none of my friends, especially those who work in television, watch nearly as much as I do and seem to not only get by in the industry but have progressed. They also all have the night off to watch the Oscars while I am at work in a non-entertainment job, sitting at my desk and kicking ass on Facebook trivia.

To quote a line from a favorite movie of mine*, "I have no response to that."


*Joe Versus The Volcano (for those who don't know me very well).

Things are going slowly but surely

I actually had today off so while watching the Vikings get mauled by the Packers (for as long as FOX would let me - they changed games at some point in the 3rd quarter) I uploaded some pictures I took yesterday (and a couple today as I went in to the office to have lunch w/ my boss as he was there doing some work).

You can click on the link below to view the progress we've made the past week.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ddog/sets/72157603099629152/

Office Limbo (aka Hurry Up and Wait)

The old office is empty. The new office is not ready. What to do...

Let's just say I'm in training (and currently ranked 4th in California) for an Olympic Thumb Twiddler. My only real competition seems to be the people hired to actually do the construction of the new office as nothing seems to get done. I'm guessing one of them must be a magician as sometimes I get the feeling that I sense an illusion that something is done, but then I blink and it seems we're still in the same state of thumb twiddleness.

I hope to have pictures in the next day or so, but the status is as follows:

--Drywalling, sanding down and painting is not finished.

--Electrical is *mostly* done, I believe we're waiting for one last approval from the inspection lady.

--Computers and phones are ready to be assembled and connected but cannot be until the sanding of the drywall is finished as the dust can wreck havoc on any electronic device.

--All displays need to be assembled but there is limited space to do so as every yet-to-be-unpacked box and piece of furniture is still sitting in the middle of the floors in every room as nothing can be done until drywall sanding and painting is done.

The actual move wasn't as bad as I thought it could have been, but moving is moving and still sucks like a true Southern eats the head of a crawfish. I'm just glad to have other people around to help once we start regular office work again as I was getting extremely wore out being the only one in the old office and dealing with all the nonsense (which my boss calls "work," I call "who did I kill in a former life to be dealt this hand... I thought I paid my dues in college with my 2-year stint at Wal-Mart").

The store will look nice and be a more pleasant place to work than the old office once all is said and done (I'll see sunlight for the first time during a workday in 2 1/2 years!). I just don't like the idea of waiting until January to be able to take a breath. Being shortstaffed in a retail business during the holidays holds no advantage other than an excuse to abuse alcohol which I can't do because I always will have to work the next day and this mid-life body can't handle hangovers anymore, no matter what fast-food breakfast sandwich I eat. At least the Writer's Guild is cooperating and they went on strike, leaving me with a lot less TV to watch. I hope it doesn't hold out too long as I don't want all my friends to be unemployed (although, I will admit to a little schadenfreude as I'm getting tired of being asked, "what show do you work on?" whenever I meet any of their co-workers or industry friends).

Some good news of the week has to be my finding a used copy of "Leather Boyz With Electric Toyz" from a hair-band I listened to in the late 80's--Pretty Boy Floyd. This was my Holy Grail of used CD findings. I've had it 2 days and haven't listened to it yet, scared that I won't like it nearly as much as I did 17 years ago. I also picked up a Statler Bros. Greatest Hits CD that I'm enjoying thoroughly (thanks Dad!), as well as an Alabama and Anthrax Greatest Hits (2 separate CD's of each artist... although that would be a unique pairing...). If our eulogies were constructed by our CD collection, mine sure would be interesting.

I've got 4 episodes of the 3rd season of "Veronica Mars" waiting (please check this show if you haven't already!) and a handfull of other shows recorded which will probably have to wait until tomorrow.

Yay!!! Brad Paisley won Male Vocalist of the Year at Wed. night's CMA Awards! He lost Album of the Year to George Strait, so I can't be angry about that, but losing to Kenny Chesney for Entertainer of the Year?! Please... I've seen Brad perform 3 times in the past 4 months and it's no contest. And congrats to Kellie Picker (toured with Brad this summer) for giving one of the most memorable performances singing her song, "I Wonder" and receiving a standing ovation from a crowd full of country music legends. You may have lost the Horizon Award to Taylor Swift (also toured with Brad this past summer) but you gave that crowd something to remember for a long time. Congratulations!

So... that's it for now. I really need to work on some sort of signature close (my favorite, "check you later!" is already taken by Slater).